ALL ONE PRICE
 
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In a restaurant I wandered - O'er a two bob dinner pondered
'Leek soup, waiter, this won't do -
Where's the leek soup? Leaked right through?' -
Pheasant next, that made me chuckle,
'What's in this? an old brace buckle.'
Said the waiter, 'Shut your face, sir
'Stead of one pheasant, you've got a brace, sir

Chorus: 'All at one price, all at one price, all the same old job
I say waiter I'm no glutton
There's a button in this curried mutton.'
'All right, sir, no charge for the button. All one price -two bob!'


At the seaside I went swimming - where they mix up men and women
Swam out on the ocean green - came back, lost my old machine
'This is it - oh lor', a totty - this one, 'nother girl half dotty
Which is my Noah's Ark, old sonny?' 'Pick 'em out, you've paid your money.

Chorus: 'All at one price, all at one price, all the same old job
Not that - in that some old maid is.'
What a mix this bathing trade is, Gentlemen's machines and ladies
All at one price - a bob.


There's a store up in Belgravia, where they dine, or sleep or shave yer
Sell you shirts, or suits of clothes - black your boots, or wipe your nose
Find you seats for Theatres - billiards, whiskey, or potaters
From an over coat to a collar - everything there costs a dollar

Chorus: 'All at one price, all at one price, all the same old job
Hair cut, billiards, or a sassidge what say, you want a lady massage?
Any door there down the passage. All at one price - five bob.'


Thought I'd make a wealthy marriage, so at once I hailed my carriage
Tram-car, ha'penny, all the way - saw the agent, said, 'Fine day
Want a wife with lots of rhino' - 'I've got just the party, I know
My fee's ten bob, heaps of tin, sir. What? she squints? we'll throw that in, sir.'

Chorus: 'All at one price, all at one price, all the same old job
What - she's thin? - she's a regular pudden
What say - one of her legs is wooden?
Never mind she's got a good 'un
All at one price - ten bob.'
 
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Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1899
Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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