AND THAT'S THAT
 
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My remarks are remarkably terse.
I've never been known as long-winded.
One night through my casement whilst watching the stars,
My gaze was diverted from Venus and Mars
For a fair female form at her window.
In the gaslight I happened to quiz.
Thought I, 'If that girl is about to retire,
She's asking for trouble, she is'.
The maiden commenced to disrobe.
She took off her blouse and her hat.
Then fate proved unkind,
For she altered her mind,
And she pulled down the blind.
And that's that.

Now my wife is a strong-minded woman.
There's nothing on earth she's afraid of.
Whenever she's near me, I'm quite overpowered.
She says I'm a worm, just a driveling coward.
One morning she said to me, "Horace,
My will-power I'm going to try.
On that bull in yon field I will now demonstrate
The power of the bare human eye."
The wife fixed her eye on the bull,
But her will-power that morning was flat.
The poor girl did her best.
The bull did the rest.
There are no flowers by request,
And that's that.

Oh, it's no laughing matter, I say. I say, it's no laughing matter. Look here, I say, before we—go any farther, we may as well understand one another, I say, sure. I've not come here to be made a laughing-stock of. It's hardly fair to me, you know. I say, it's hardly fair to me. I don't think you know what you are doing, really. I'm sorry to have to chide you, but—I'm afraid I must put it down to ignorance on your part. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes, it's all very well. You don't seem to grasp the—uh—uh—what do you call it?—You're not aware of the—uh—You are not cognizant of the facts. There now, I've said it, but you forced me to. Do you know, I don't do this for fun. I don't think you know that—uh—I get things for doing this, you know? Yes. Added to which, that I am asked to come here and sing into this tube. Yes. I know, it's all very well. I'm asked if I will kindly oblige by putting my face here and making myself ludicrous and then I'm made a laughingstock of. It isn't fair. So I think I will—uh—proceed to carry out my nefarious designs, with the aid of the scraping of the hair of the horse across the intestine of the cat. You'll notice that I said "intestine" because I think "gut" sounds so indelicate. And that's that!

Now a star fell the day I was born.
I was one of a party of triplets.
The nurse nearly fainted the first time I smiled.
The doctor said, "Hm! an extraordinary child."
My father on hearing the verdict,
Arrived in a terrible state.
"Ah, doctor," he said, "don't keep me in suspense,
But let me at once know my fate."
The doctor said, "Sir, there are three.
The first is a girl, strong and fat.
The next is a he,
A fine babe, you'll agree."
Then he pointed at me,
And that's that!
 
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Performed by George Robey (1869 - 1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
Contributed by Jim Dixon - April 2014
 
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