AND THE VERDICT WAS
 
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Life's short, very very short, here we haven't long to stay
So I'm giving you a rhyme, something in the short sweet way
Little Billy Bates fastened on his skates, but the ice was thin
Suddenly a crack, wallop on his back, little Billy Bates popped in
And the vedict was,
A little boy - pair of skates - broken ice - heaven's gates

Two girls, very silly girls, went upon the deep blue sea
Both dull, couldn't pull a scull, didn't care a J.O.T
Jenny caught a crab, then she tried to grab, Judy's hair and yelled
Neither one survived, coroner arrived, on them he an inquest held
And the verdict was,
A little boat - two polonies - caught a crab - Davy Jones.

John Goff thought he looked a toff, mounted on an old grey moke
He tried, while he had a ride, practicing an ancient joke
Johnny stuck a squib on the donkey's rib, then applied a light
Suddenly it bust, kicking up the dust, Johnny disappeared from sight
And the verdict was:-
Donkey's rib - a masher soft - busted squib - gone aloft.

Mike Miggs used to feed the pigs, coax 'em with his hob-nailed boot
His nose scared away the crows - kept 'em from the farmer's fruit
When the spring had come, Micky stole a plum, but the plum was green
Just below the belt, what a pain he felt, Oh, God Save The Queen.
And the verdict was:-
Farmer's lad - a stolen plum - cholera bad - Kingdom come.

 
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Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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