ANIMAL LANGUAGE
 
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I've travelled all the foreign parts and proved in every way
That animals have language, and I know what they say
Now in the farmyard recently some pigs were being fed
I listened to them talking - and I'll tell you what they said.

Chorus: Said the old pig, 'How's your brother
I've not seen him round about.'
'He's been very poorly lately,' said the sow
'But I'm pleased to say he's better,
Though we all thought he was dead
For the farmer cured him - saved his bacon now.'


It was on the fourth, no my mistake, the fifth of last July
While fishing in the River two old monkeys passed me by.
They had a little monkey with them, he'd left school, so dull,
They'd been round getting him a job, but every place was full.

Chorus: Said the monkey, straight, 'There don't seem
Any openings now for boys.'
As the little sonmonkey went off and had a swim
Then a crocodile came up, and
As he wiped his mouth, he said
'I've an opening for a few more boys like him.'


You wouldn't think that flies can talk, but s'welp me bob, it's right
I listened to a couple in my room the other night
One stood upon a fly-paper, another lingered by
And said, 'Don't stop there all the night, I want a drink - I'm dry.'

Chorus: Said the fly, upon the paper,
I am going to read the news
Here's a picture here of good old Deadwood Dick
I can see it through the treacle,
And I'm perched right on his nose
Until he knocks me off, well here I'll stick.'


When I was picking mushrooms in a jungle in Tibet
I overheard a confab which I never shall forget
An elephant was crying, and the hippopotamus
Said, 'Please don't cry, or I can see you drowning all of us.'

Chorus: Said the elephant, 'That porcupine's a stuck up little prig
I sat on him the other night, you know
But he fairly got his back up, and he's given me the spike
So I think I'll pack my trunk up now and go.'


Now, in a fish-shop that I know, upon the marble slabs
I heard a conversation going on between two crabs
One crab had just been boiled, but still he wasn't dead - not he
The other crab was 'chipping' him about the tragedee.

Chorus: Said the green crab to the other one,
'You're looking very red
You always blush when you catch sight of me.'
'Yes,' he said, 'I went and bit the guv'er's finger by mistake
And got into hot water, don't you see.'


A circus once came to our town - to see the show I went
I didn't pay, I cut a little hole right through the tent
I heard a donkey talking to a big performing bear
And though 'twas very rude of me, I listened to them there.

Chorus: Said the donkey, 'They're a bally lot of frauds at this 'ere show
Why, the only lion they've got is stuffed with straw
But I've ate the foorball jersey that they put on me last night
So I'll never be a zebra any more.'


I sat in our back garden once a-listening to the worms
I understand their language, thouigh we're not on speaking terms
A liitle worm was weeping and a-talking to a snail
I listened, and I heard him tell a most pathetic tale.

Chorus: Said the worm, 'I'm feeling so cut up -
A fisherman just now
He cut me into little bits you see
It's left me very short, but,
Still, what troubles me the most
Is, the other little bits won't speak to me.'
 
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Performed by George Formby Sr. (1877-1921)
 
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