ANY OLD THING WILL DO
 
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I've been single all my life
Thought at last I'd take a wife
Dressed up in my best today
No mistake, I looked all gay
Went to a matrimonial agent
He was most polite
He said, 'What sort of wife do you want?'
I said, 'Oh, that's all right,

Chorus: 'Any old thing will do
Any old thing will do-do-do
As long as she's got money
She'll suit me to a T
Got no nose, got no legs,
Got no teeth, got no hair
I don't care - any old thing will do.'

Tommy Thompson by the sea
Once took all his family
Wife and kids and ma-in-law
Such a sight you never saw
Walking along the beach one day
A boatman to him ran
He said, 'What sort of boat do you want?'
When Thompson said, 'Old man,

Chorus: 'Any old thing will do
Any old thing will do-do-do
I don't care if it's leaking
It's good enough for me
Ma-in-law wants to row
on the ocean blue
Some old boat, too old to float
Any old thing will do.'

One day I got such a shock
Sitting near a great big rock
Some old girl the other side
Spotted me and then she cried
'Young man, I'm in an awful state
I am, I'm nearly froze
Do go and get me something to wear
'Cause I've lost all me clothes.

Chorus: 'Any old thing will do
Any old thing will do-do-do
All that I was wearing,
has been washed out to sea
Don't come near, there's a dear,
I'm turniing pink and blue
Your old hat - throw me that -
any old thing will do.

I went to a party once;
Hadn't had no grub for months.
On the table just my luck,
Up they brought a big fat duck.
When they started to carve the poultry
It filled us all with glee.
They said: 'What part of the bird would you like?'
I said: 'Don't bother me.

Chorus: Oh any old thing will do.
Any old thing will do, do, do.
Where it's tough and juicy
It will suit me to a tee.
Somewhere nice around the part
Where it's cut anew.
'E went and chose its parson'e nose.
Any old thing will do.'

 
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Written and composed by Fred Murray and George Everard - 1906
Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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