ARCHIBALD, CERTAINLY NOT
 
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It's no use me denying facts
I'm henpecked you can see
'Twas on our wedding morn my wife
Commenced to peck at me
The wedding breakfast over
I said “We'll start off today
Upon out honeymoon” Then she yelled,
“What, waste time that way?”

Chorus: “Archibald - certainly not
Get back to work, sir, like a shot
When single you could waste time spooning
But lose work now for honeymooning
Archibald - certainly not.”


I once strolled through a field, and there
A mad bull came across
It gambolled with me playfully
And quickly won the toss
Of course, I sued the owner
The day the case was fought
The judge exclaimed when I said
“Let's have the bull in court”

Chorus: “Archibald - certainly not!
Just show what other evidence you've got
But he cried when I said “Please forego it
Because I must stand up to show it”
“Archibald - certainly not!”


A sportsman I have always been
I've hunted with the hounds
I've hunted too without them
And it's cost me many pounds
I can't afford to hunt now
That I'm married , but one day
The Wife remarked when I asked her
If cricket I should play

Chorus: “Archibald - certainly not!
About this cricket game I've read a lot
Besides, the last time you played at Dover
I heard you'd bowled a maiden over
Archibald - certainly not!”


A lady named Miss Hewitt got
On friendly terms with me
She fell in love with me at once
And then fell in the sea
My wife came on the scene as I
Threw coat and vest aside
As other garments I slipped off
To save the girl, she cried

Chorus: “Archibald - certainly not!
Desist at once disrobing on the spot
You may show your pluck and save Miss Howitt
But if you've got to strip to do it
Archibald - certainly not!”


At supper time last Sunday I
Was hungry as could be
A chicken on the table smelt
Most savoury to me
I longed for just a taster
As I munched my jam and bread
At last I said “Can I have just
The beak? then my wife said

Chorus: “Archibald - certainly not!
You know that fowl for you was never got
Eat chicken when to bed you're going
Why, all night long I'll have you crowing
Archibald - certainly not!”
 
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Performed by George Robey
Written and composed by John L. St John & Alfred Glover - 1909
 
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