Whilst strolling with a pal one day upon the Brighton Pier
His ma-in-law fell in the sea and as no one else was near
She shouted to my pal for help for she couldn't swim
And knowing how he loved her, of course I dived right in

Chorus: As a friend, it was my duty, as a friend
To do my best for him right to the end
His ma-in-law was such a bounder
But I dived down and found her
Then I sat on her and drowned her
As a friend

One day last week I bought a pie, and homeward with it hied
The veal and ham were having little differences inside
I heard one say 'Call yourself veal, I'm ham I am'
Then the tram conductor asked me if I'd take it off the tram

Chorus: As a friend, just to oblige him, as a friend
So on foot my homeward way I had to wend
When at supper we were seated
As a pie we couldn't eat it
So we thought we'd better treat it
As a friend.

The bells were chiming merrily, the rice was falling fast
An old shoe hit me on the nose, as I was strolling past
The Bridegroom he looked sad indeed, he knew his time was near
But just in time I pulled him back and whispered in his ear

Chorus: 'As a friend, I would advise you, as a friend
Take to the road and swiftly round the bend
If you go inside you'll rue it
Stand on me, for I've been through it
Here, what you were going to do, don't do it,
As a friend.'
Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
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