AT HOME I'M MY WIFE'S HUSBAND
 
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There are men who should never get married
And that sort of chappie am I
For since off to church I was carried
I have felt like a lark in a pie
Now for company Nature designed me
And the same all the time isn't right
It's like making a man who's a cinema fan
Watch the same bally film every night.

Refrain: Home, Home, there's no place like home
That's why from home I'm so anxious to roam
For when I'm away I feel like a ray
Of sunshine that's done its good deed for the day
I've heard of poor boobs getting homesick
But I'm sick of home, don't you see
For at home I'm my wife's husband
But when I'm away - I'm me!


Now I sag all the day at the office
From ten in the morning till three
With breaks just for lunch and for coffee
And for 'rousers' and afternoon tea
So you'll guess when my labours are ended
I am jaded and sand-bagged and flat
I feel three-quarters dead, and when it's all done and said
Home's no place for a fellow like that.

Refrain: Home, Home, there's no place like home
That's why from home I'm so anxious to roam
I step on the mat and hang up my hat
As pleased as a mouse shaking hands with a cat
When in I'm a positive Jonah
When I'm not, what a whale I can be
For at home I'm my wife's husband
But when I'm away - I'm me!


In the street late one night with a crony
An argument led to a 'barge'
A constable, zealous and bony
Quite mistakenly took us in charge
At the station the sergeant dismissed us
Said my pal, 'Let's go home, Brigadier.'
I said, 'Gladly, old bean, if it's your home you mean
If it's mine - then I'd rather stay here.'

Refrain: Home, Home, there's no place like home
That's why from home I'm so anxious to roam
For when I am out I 'Kruschen ' about
You'd think I was single and troubles without
Indoors I'm the early-bird's breakfast
I'm the puppy-dog's tail when I'm free
For at home I'm my wife's husband
But when I'm away - I'm me!.


When last night I turned in at twelve-thirty
I'd the happiest shock of my life
And never so much as felt 'shirty'
That I'd not had a hint from my wife
For I found that a sweet little stranger
Had arrived to make home a delight
Now I've altered my plan, I'm a home-keeping man
I'll be there, sure as rain, every night.

Refrain: Home, Home, there's no place like home
And now I've no wish or intention to roam
For since Maudie came (yes, that's her name)
I swear the old place doesn't seem like the same
(For Maudie's our pretty new housemaid)
And she's slipped the glad optic to me
So at home I'm my wife's husband
But when she goes out - OH GEE!
 
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Written and composed by Robert Rutherford & Harold Arpthorp - 1925
 
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