AUNT TILLY
 
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Our old Auntie Tilly, she's just come to stay with us.
She'll do anything we want, she never makes a fuss.
Yesterday we sent her out to get the shoppin' in;
When the butcher spotted 'er 'e shouted with a grin:

Chorus: Oh Aunt Tilly, if you want some meat,
Walk into the shop old dear, we'll let you have a treat.
Oh Aunt Tilly, a loverly joint for you I've found.
She made a grab and said: Go on! At one and ten a pound!'

The other day we 'ad the sweep to come and sweep the flue.
As old Auntie Tilly she had nothing else to do,
She went out in the street to watch the chimney brush pop out
From the window down below the sweep began to shout:

Chorus: 'Oh Aunt Tilly, don't move from the spot.
I want yer just to keep yer eye upon the chiminey pot.
Oh Aunt Tilly! Don't forget to shout.
And let me know when you can see me flasher pokin' out.

Once I tore me trousers and I had no underwear;
Auntie got some calico, made me another pair.
Again she came to me and said: 'I'll make you look a don.'
I shouted out to Auntie when I'd put the trousers on:

Chorus: 'Oh Aunt Tilly, they fit me like a sack.
You put no buttons up the front, you've done them up the back.
Oh Aunt Tilly, you've caused me grief and pain.
I don't know if I'm going out or coming home again.'

When she heard that England wanted men to face the foe,
Auntie 'ad 'er 'aircut and put trousers on what-ho..
She went to see the doctor and she thought her sight was fine,
Standin' there with all the other fellows in the line.

Chorus: Oh Aunt Tilly, the doctor says to you:
'I'm not goin' to run the ruler over you
Oh Aunt Tilly, don't take off your clothes.
For I contend you're not a man, but a pimple on your nose.'
(but a slim one I suppose?)

Today I had a pain; the doctor said: 'D'ye want a rest?
Put a plaster on your back and a poultice on your chest.'
Auntie said to me: 'Oh dear, you'd better go to bed.'
When she put the poultice steamin' 'ot on me I said:

Chorus: 'O-O-O-Oh Auntie Tilly, the pain begins to 'urt.
The grease from off the plaster is a-stickin' to me shirt.
O-O-O-Oh Auntie Tilly, I can't sit down to tea.
You've been an' put the poultice where the plaster ought to be.'

 
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Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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