THE BEST MAN
(or McGilligan's Wedding)
 
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I've just come from McGlligan's Wedding and a nice old time we've had
Friends and relations, drink and rations, hot, cold and warm collations
Bride and groom, tall groom, wide groom, people large and small
Bride cake, fried cake, wet cake, dried cake, cake not cake at all
When they sent the invitation round to me - don't you see
I put on my Sunday clothes, brushed my hair and blew my nose
For I was the very dearest pal of his - twig the biz!
I dressed regardless of expense, you all can guess I looked immense
And why? I'll tell you, for guess you never can
I, Patrick Doolin, was McGilligan's best man.

Chorus: I'm the best man, I'm the best man
Down at McGilligan's wedding, bejabbers we had a mighty burst
I'm the best man, I'm the best man
But Oh Jerusalem! you ought to see the worst.


In tight boots of patent new leather, and a sunflower in my coat
Up the aisle walking, I was stalking like an ostrich first out walking
People cheered me, urchins jeered me, but I waved them off
They cried, 'Donkey! stuck-up monkey! tupp'ny ha'penny toff!'
At the alter, I said first I'd kiss the bride, and I tried
But she bobbed, and instead blacked my eye on Rooney's head
Flowers and rice upon the happy pair were thrown, them alone
But when I came out - bang and thud, at me instead they all threw mud
And why? I'll tell you, for guess you never can
I, Patrick Doolin, was McGilligan's best man.

Chorus:

At the breakfast the health of the bridegroom and the bride I did propose
Said they adored me, friends ignored me, pulled my chair away and floored me
I rose glaring, they were tearing all my clothes to rags
My shillelagh brought down gaily on McNulty's bags
Over went the table, folks in soups and jam fairly swam
Rooney seized a turkey nigh, with it blacked my other eye
People shouted, 'Kill him' some said, 'No, we won't' I said, 'Don't.'
They fought to settle whether I should be let live or let to die
And why? I'll tell you, for guess you never can
I, Patrick Doolin, was McGilligan's best man.

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1894
Performed by Walter Munroe (d. 1914)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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