THE BIGGEST ASPIDISTRA IN THE WORLD
 
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For years we 'ad an aspidistra in a flower pot
On the what-not, near the 'at stand in the 'all
It didn't seem to grow till one day my brother Joe
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall
So 'e crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And 'e planted it against the garden wall.

It shot up like a rocket
Till it nearly reached the sky
It's the biggest aspidistra in the World
We couldn't see the top of it
It got so bloomin' high
It's the biggest aspidistra in the World
When Father's 'ad a skinful
At his pub 'The Bunch of Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad
And getting into scrapes
You'll find 'im in his bearskin
Playing 'Tarzan of the Apes'
Up the biggest aspidistra in the World.

We 'ave to get it watered
By the local fire brigade
So they've put the water rate up 'alf a crown
The roots stop up the drains
Grow along the country lanes
And they come up 'alf a mile outside the town
Once we 'ired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot 'ouse
But a jealous rival went and burned it down.

The Tom Cats and the Moggies
Love to spend their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the World
They all begin miaowing
When the buds begin to sprout
From the biggest aspidistra in the World
The dogs line up for miles and miles
A funny sight to see
They sniff around for hours on end
And wags their tails with glee
So I've 'ad to put a notice up
To say it's not a tree
It's the biggest aspidistra in the World.

It's getting worn and weary
And it's leaves are turning grey
It's the oldest aspidistra in the World
So we water it with 'alf a pint
Of Guinness every day
It's the stoutest aspidistra in the World
The Borough Council told us that
We've got to chop it down
It interferes with aeroplanes
That fly above the town
So we sold it to a wood yard
For a lousy 'alf a crown
It's the biggest aspidistra in the World.

 
 
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