BOW STREET
 
div
 
Although a public character,
I haven't any pride,
I'm as affable as anything,
And never put on 'side';
I'll take a drink with anyone
As pleasant as can be,
But all the time I'm taking stock,
For nothing can pass me.

SPOKEN: Not much. It wouldn't do in my profession to let anything escape you, not even a glass of bitter. I'm the Usher-up at Bow Street, I'm called Usher because I cry 'Ush' and 'Silence' and make a jolly sight more row than any of them. But there, I daresay you recognised me from the first. I know most of your chivvies. Ah! me and his Worship has some rare larks at times. Why, only the day before yesterday a little lad, quite a nipper, was a witness and I was just a-going to swear him when Sir John says, 'Wait a moment, witness, do you know the nature of an oath?' Oh! that kid did slam a treat. 'I don't mean that,' said Sir John, 'do you know what 'kissing the book' means?' 'Yes,' says the kid, 'microbes, I'm dead off!' That same afternoon we had a chap up for pinching and he stuttered. When he heard the evidence, Sir John said, ' Now, prisoner. what have you to say?' The the tea-leaf began, 'If, if, if...' 'Three months!' said Sir John. 'But I haven't, haven't...' 'Can't help that,' said Sir John, 'three months, you can finish your speech when you come out.'

Chorus: I've got an eagle eye and should it be the case,
That a little business, should bring you to our place,
Mind, now I've seen you here,
I shall recollect your face,
When you're up before Sir John at Bow Street!

At ten a.m. we start and take
The drunken cases first,
The sight of them's enough to give
Sir Wilfred Lawson thirst.
And the the tales some of 'em pitch,
Would make you laugh outright,
I wonder that New Testament
Don't die in court of fright.

SPOKEN: Sometimes a lot of young toffs comes up before us, says they're medical students, medical! I'd physic 'em. 'What name?' says his worship. 'Jones.' says one, 'Smith.' says another, but Sir John browns to 'em. Of course, as they are Doctors they ajallopise... and Sir John lets 'em off with a fine and they exits O.P. 'I hope they won't return.' says I. But what annoys me is the interuptions I have to put up with. While I am trying to concentrate my mind on a case, there's sure to be someone pulling at my robe, 'What is it?' 'Summons' 'Wait a bit. What's the summons for? Eh? Oh! What's his name? Boy or girl? You don't know yet? Well come again next year.'

Chorus:

Of all the pris'ners that we get,
The ladies, bless their hearts!
Quite take the cake, no wonder that
The people call 'em tarts;
They take a little tiddley, then
Get quarrelling of course,
Until they are produced in court
By members of the force.

SPOKEN: Pretty souls! my heart quite bleeds for them when they stand before Sir John in the morning. Oh! the eyes, some black, some green, like our best mixed at one-and-four. Enough to give you the jim-jams to look at 'em. Well how a man can strike a woman in the eye quite beats me. Kindness is my motto, treat 'em with kindness and jump on their bloomin' chests. You'd have laughed the other morning, a young girl comes up, quite a nice young thing and asks for a summons against a young man for abusing her. 'What do you mean by 'abusing you'? said Sir John. 'Well, he called me out of my name.' 'Where was this?' says Sir John. 'Gravesend.' said the girl. 'What were you doing at the time?' said Sir John. 'Taking refreshment.' says the girl. 'On your oath?' says Sir John. 'On a cane-backed chair.' said the girl. 'What was the refreshment? said Sir John. 'Whelks!' said the girl.

Chorus:
 
div
 
Written and composed by Charles Merion & Charles Raynor - 1895
 
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
div
 
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ