BREAD AND MARMALADE
 
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Some years ago when I was mother's baby
For bread and marmalade I 'ad a craze.
I got so very fond of it that really
I always 'ave some wiv me nowadays.
Last night I spooned with a girl named Jane Louise,
And as we sat beneath the shady trees,
She starts to murmur, "Darling, give me something,
As a token that your love will never fade,
Just something I can slip inside me shift dear.”
So I slipped 'er me bread and marmalade

Poor father 'ee was taken ill one evening.
We knew not what to give 'im for the best.
We 'adn't got a single drop o' brandy,
So I made a mustard plaster for 'is chest.
I crept up to 'is bedroom late at night,
And slapped it on 'is chest with all me might.
Poor father jumped from bed shoutin', "Murder!"
The temper of a tiger 'ee displayed.
Instead of pickin' up the mustard plaster,
I'd shoved inside me bread and marmalade.

Once I was in a smash-up on the railway.
To me it was a bit beyond a joke.
For 'alf an hour or more I lay unconscious,
Then to the smell of whisky I awoke.
I crawled a yard or two along the ground,
But not a sign of anyone I found.
At last I clutched at something in the darkness,
And the sweetest little voice cried from the shade,
"How dare you touch me there!" I said, "I'm sorry.
I thought it was me bread and marmalade."

Like every Englishman, I'm patriotic.
I went to see a tattooed girl today,
And on 'er form she'd got the map of Europe
Tattooed in different colours by the way.
She'd France and Belgium in red and green and black,
And good old England tattooed on 'er back.
I looked at 'er and shouted, "Rule Britannia!"
And as me Union Jack I 'ad displayed,
Right on the part where she'd the German Empire,
I slapped me bloomin' bread and marmalade. (She didn't like it, but...)

I looked at 'er and shouted, "Rule Britannia!"
And as me Union Jack I 'ad displayed,
Right on the part where she'd the German Empire,
I slapped me bloomin' bread and marmalade.

 
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Written and performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
 
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