BRUVVER JIM
 
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Once our family I respected to my 'eart
Now I finks relations is far best apart
Since my bruvver Jim's been working in the West
Feelings of disgust is troubling my breast
My old muvver thinks there ain't a soul like 'im
Calls 'im James, although she Christened 'im as Jim
When I 'ear 'im talking in the 'ouse so nice
All my blood turns into little blocks of ice.

Chorus: And we're just about as different as chalk and cheese
For in every way we seem to disagree
Tho' I ain't so big as Jim, I'm much older than 'im
Yet 'e tries to domineer over me
Oh, 'e's' got a job as 'horfis' boy at seven bob a week
And they're teaching 'im the way to drive a quill
Well 'e may be very clever, 'e can drive a quill for ever
But 'e mustn't try and drive 'is bruvver Jim.

For a pianner 'arf a crown a week he'll pay
Wen 'is gal's there 'e sits down and kids to play
Sings 'er love songs wiv a voice just like a cow
Out I goes then and breaks some coke to drown the row
Muvver finks 'is donah is a puffect queen
Jest because she works a typewriter machine
On 'is bed there's two thick blankets, don't you see?
I get flour sacks, or carpet's, that's good enough for me.

Chorus:

On a Sunday when we all sit down to dine
The plate wiv all the fat meat on I know is mine
If I grumbles muvver begins to storm
Says 'e must 'ave lean to keep 'is stomach warm
If the postman calls, my blood goes all afire
When I 'ears 'im shout, 'James 'Arrison
(Two lines missing here)

Chorus:

 
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Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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