A friend of mine named Bumptious on Phrenology went mad
So he went to a Phrenologist to see what bumps he had
The Professor felt his cranium and made him feel quite small
By telling him he'd scarcely got a single bump at all
'No bumps' he cried, 'To get a few is surely in my power.'
So he engaged an Irishman at eighteen pence an hour
Who with a big shilleagh gave his head some ugly thumps
And in a minute raised a lot of most astounding bumps.

He first landed him on LANGUAGE, and he swore at such a rate
He even shocked the fish-wives and good folks at Billingsgate
He raised the bump of TUNE likewise, which gave him such a shock
That even in his sleep he whistled Old Grandfather's Clock
The bump of KNOWLEDGE next was struck and then he did contrive
To tell you in an hours or two how many beans make five
ACQUISITIVNESS next he hit and off my friend did jog
And met a blind man in the street and took away his dog.

He had the bump of ORDER raised and from that very day
He worried all the managers for orders for the play
And when his VENERATION bump was struck, he viewed with awe
And reverenced most abjectly his ancient ma-in-law
The bump of SPECULATIVENESS got such a heavy rap
That on three twos, a four and five, he always would go 'nap'
He struck him on DESTRUCTIVENESS and then he went home straight
And smashed up all the furniture, the crockery and plate.

On AMATIVENESS then he hit and somehow he contrives
Within a week to find himself with half a dozen wives
BENEVOLENCE was touched on next, and on that very day
He gladly gave his property and all his wives away
COMBATIVENESS the Irishman then struck, and, with suprise
Immediately received an awful oner in the eyes
They closed and fought with such a will, as though of sense bereft
That like two Kilkenny cats, this tale is all that's left.
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