When I argue politics, it begins with snacks and snicks
But doesn't always finish in that way
Folks start fighting, kicking, biting
Playful recreations I must say
Last week Monday I met Slaggins, a pugilistic pal I know
Argued strongly, and he lost his temper
Then sparred up, what ho.

Chorus: He called me worm, I did not squirm, then he called me rat
Then I replied, 'Now stop it or I'll smack you on the hat.'
He then made a few remarks, which I dare not retail
Then tried to dislocate my ear, but that's a mere detail.

In my giddy, gushing days, when my fascinating ways
Would set each little girlie's heart on fire
This dear Bertie first met Gertie
Swore his heart was breaking - lovely liar
Popped the question - style dramatic
And when the happpy day came round
Went to church - but very shortly
I with pleasure found

Chorus: Her golden hair hung on a chair - wooden arm unscrewed
And then some other joints came off (Bertie don't be rude)
Married to a timber-yard - wholesale, yes, and retail
She had a dozen babes - but that's a mere detail.

I delight in home, sweet home - from it never care to roam
I bath the babes and train the beans and peas
Cook the dinner - back a winner
Kill the fowls - and Gorgonzola cheese
I've a lodger - tells the tale well
And causes me a lot of strife
Turns his nose up - doesn't like me
He prefers my wife.

Chorus: He breaks my chairs, throws me downstairs
Wears my Sunday clothes
Smokes my pipe, and borrows 'bobs', and hits me on the nose
Makes my wife sit on his knee, while he tells a sweet tale
He sends me out to buy the beer - but that's a mere detail.

Oft I stay late at my club - that's of course, the corner pub
Frequently indulge in wine - and beer
Gush and giggle - rush and wriggle
Kiss the chucker-outer, call him dear
Tuesday midnight - wafted homeward
Found the keyhole right
Didn't want to wake the missus
Dare not strike a light.

Chorus: I crawled upstairs, dodged all the chairs, while she soundly slept
Then like a mouse, without a sound, into bed I crept
Woke up in the morning and prepared to tell a neat tale
Then found 'twas not my house at all... but that's a mere detail.
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