When you hire a handsome cabman, pay him twice the legal fare
By his civil, gracious manner, all the bystanders would declare
That he was your private coachman but, upon the other hand
Give him just his fare, no more, then hear his flow of English grand.

Refrain: For if he says, ''Ere! wot's yer game?
Do you take me for a what's-a-name?
Who the why the what d'you think?'
Drops some lovely language
It's a guinea to a penny, well, that is if you've got any
You can always tell a cabby by his language.

Say a chappie has been dining, not too wisely, but too well
And his legs refuse to take him to his home or his hotel
Clinging to a friendly lamp-post with a clasp so fond and true
Until he hears words of confort from the gentleman in blue.

Refrain: And if he says, 'Come, move on here
You want to sit on the curb - no fear
Bust my hat! you're as flat as a railway sandwich
Eh? wot say? would I be willin'
To pick up an honest shillin'?
(spoken) Yus! bung it!'
You can always tell a bobby by his language.

When you hear a fellow lecture on the dreadfulness of drink
And he quotes some bad examples, my word, don't it make you think
You resolve you'll give up drinking, as his words you muse upon
Till you see that temperance lecturer just a few hours later on.

Refrain: And if he says, 'What's made me queer?
It must be too much ginger beer
Or the tea, or the shrimps, or the sardine sandwich
What say? been on hi-ti-tiety
You're a - you're a tooraliety'
You can always tell a temp'rance lecturer by his language.

When you hear a fellow shouting in the 'Grapes' or 'Speckled Pig'
You can soon tell by his spouting that on politics he's big
If they heard him lay the law down it would fill the Lords with fear
He'll arrange the fate of nations over half a pint of beer.

Refrain: And if he says,'Alack! alarse!
We keep the Lords, they ain't no class
On this earf they ain't wurf not a tap-room sandwidge
Parli'ment! wot do we see there?
Ah, they ought to just have me there'
You can always tell a statesman by his language.

When you meet a loving couple in some continental place
First you wonder if they're sweet-hearts, there's such bliss upon each face
'Have a bit more sugar, sweetest.' 'Just a weeny bit, my dove'
Then they throw each other glances full of double-barrelled love

Refrain: And if the maid says, 'Ferdinand
For quite an hour you've not pressed my hand
Pass me please, one hand-squeeze and one salmon sandwich.'
If she calls him 'Little chucksey'
And he calls her, 'Ducksy-wucksy'
You can tell they're married by their language.
Performed by Constance Moxon
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