CALLIGAN, CALL AGAIN
 
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Now Calligan the tailor always used to make my clothes,
And I always used to pay so much a week.
He always used to suit me well, and never did I suppose
He'd prove himself a very nasty sneak.
Some time ago from Calligan a pair of pants I bought,
But since I've had them trousers, well, my work has fallen short.
I miss'd him for a fortnight as I'd not the cash to pay,
So when he called upon me for his cash the other day—

Chorus: Said I to Calligan, 'You'll have to call again.'
'Call again?' said Calligan. 'Not I!'
Said I to Calligan, 'You'll have to call again,
For I haven't got your M. O. N. E. Y.!'
Calligan vowed that he wouldn't call again.
He swore he'd put the coppers on my track.
My temper rose and then,
Said I to Calligan,
'Call again and take your trousers back!'


"Calligan," said I to him, "I've dealt with you for years,
And you must admit you've always found me straight.
And so I will be this time, but, in spite of all your fears,
There's not the slightest doubt you'll have to wait."
"Wait, bedad!" said Calligan, and then his temper rose.
We argued till I really thought our words would come to blows.
Said he, "Now when do you intend to settle up this score?"
I said, "When we go on full time," and then again once more—

Chorus:

Calligan, quite angry, said no longer would he wait,
Though I told him I would pay him fair and square.
He told me for to take them off, tho' I to him did state
That they were all that I had got to wear.
"Take them off!" said Calligan. "I'll take them back with me,
And I'll let you have them back when you can pay the L. s. d."*
Said I to him, "What shall I be without a pair of pants?"
Said he, "A living picture, or else ta-ble-aux vivants?"

Chorus:

 
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Written and composed by Herbert Rutter and Harry Lauder - 1900
Performed by Harry Lauder (1870-1950)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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