CHAMPAGNE AND OYSTERS WITH A SWELL
 
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Mary from the fried fish shop,
Was partial to a little drop,
With the hero of a novelette, in love she tumbled flop,
She read about the Lord knows who,
Then had another drink or two,
Full into a doze, tumbled on her nose and dreamt till all was blue.

Chorus: She was having champagne and oysters with a swell,
The dukes and the lords in love with Mary fell,
She threw up the cat's meat man and gave
The sack to her soldier bloke but she was
Back in the old fried fish shop when she woke.

Customers came rolling in,
Mary didn't care a pin,
Up to her eyes in fried fish fat, novelettes and gin;
People came and had their fill,
Then started to divide the till,
But Mary on the floor, did another snore
And went on dreaming still:

Chorus:

Her gov'nor returned by chance,
Took it all in at a glance;
Said he, 'Alright my beauty, I bet I'll make you dance.
Mary in his arms he caught,
And laid her in the road for sport,
But Mary very quick, made a pillow of a brick
And in her dreams she thought:

Chorus:

A policeman that was strolling by,
Fell over her and blacked his eye,
Said he, 'Someone with me must come, or I'll know the reason why;
For half a dozen pals he sent,
Then all to the station went,
Told the judge a tale, Mary's now in gaol
And there in sweet content:

Chorus: She's eating some lovely skilley in a cell,
Where for fourteen days she has to dwell;
She's thrown up the fried fish shop, poor Mary's
Heart they have nearly broke, for she was
Picking some bits of oakem when she woke.
 
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Written and composed by Tom Woottwell
Performed by Emily Lyndale (Probably Australian)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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