COME IN AND CUT YOURSELF A PIECE OF CAKE
 
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It's very hard to earn a decent living on this earth
I'd tried my hand at almost every trade
Until someone advised me, I should go upon the stage
And just to prove that I am not afraid
I've come to sing a song to you, this evening
And I expect a big hit I shall make
In case you do not like it, I shall leave you my address
Come round and cut yourself a piece of cake!

Now honesty is quite the proper policy, I've heard
Today, I found a purse just at my feet
I looked inside and there I chanced to notice an address
So I took it to the owner down the street
I gave him back his purse and said, 'I found it
And what reward do you intend to make?'
He gave to me his photograph, and said, 'Before you go,
Come in and cut yourself a piece of cake.'

This morning, when I'd shaved myself, I put my razor down
Then turned around to put my collar on
When suddenly the baby in the corner gave a shout
I said, 'What ever is the matter John?'
He said, 'I'm looking for my little finger.'
When I looked at his hand it made me quake
I said, 'Why! you've been playing with my razor.'
He said, 'Yes, I've been trying to cut myself a piece of cake.'

I used to be a club-man, and I once was on my round
A lady came to me to say that she
Was very short of money, so I whispered, 'Never mind.'
Then I kissed her twice, and took her on my knee
A man came to the door and shouted, 'Got yer.'
Now what excuse do you intend to make?'
When he said, 'I'm her husband.' I said, 'Fancy meeting you
Come in and cut yourself a piece of cake.'

The other day, I watched some ladies, swimming round about
I got as interested as can be
Till someone came behind me and gave me a gentle push
And then a champion swimmer rescued me
I said to him, 'You've saved my life, young fellah
How can I pay you back for goodness sake?'
When he said, 'Do not mention it.' I said, 'Oh that be hanged
Come in and cut yourself a piece of cake.

Last Christmas Eve, I went to bed and got beneath the sheets
And just as soon as I commenced to snore
I heard a funny noise and as I jumped up out of bed
I saw a burglar, at the pantry door
When I said, 'Who are you?' he said, 'A burglar,
And as I find there's nothing much to take,
I'm looking in the cupboard, if you've got a decent knife
I'd like to cut myself a piece of cake.'

A widow cleaner came to clean our windows, sad to say
He missed his foot and fell down to the floor
They took him to the hospital just seven weeks ago
Today a man came knocking at our door
He told me that the man was dead, then asked me
What compensation I would care to make?
I said, 'I've just run out of it, but if it's all the same
Come in and cut yourself a piece of cake.'
 
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Written and composed by Alec Kendal - 1911
Performed by Jack Pleasants (1874-1924)
 
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