CONCLUSIONS
 
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I am very observant, have been all my days
My sight is distinctly effective
No detail escapes my sharp eaglet-like gaze
I ought to have been a detective
My powers of deduction have frequently solved
The most indescribable puzzle
Results are gigantic my neighbours are frantic
They'd all love this bloodhound to muzzle

Refrain: The conclusion I've come to is this
That half of the world is half-witted
I'm modest I know, but folks are so slow
They really deserve to be 'fitted'
I don't take the credit I ought
I'm above mere material gains
What is it that makes me so frightfully clever?
The conclusion I've come to.... It's brains.

I'm not a teetotaller, I just like a glass
I seldom take more than two glasses
A mopper's a man who is not in my class
I abhor men who make themselves asses
We're all apt to make slips, I'll admit I once slipped
I'd been out with my aunt and my cousin
When I had, sad to state, just one over the eight
I was bad and when I'd had a dozen...

Refrain: The conclusion I came to was this
I'd been treated distinctly improper
Knocked out and knocked down by two lads in the town
Picked up and help up by a Copper
I was locked in a cell for the night
Where I thought having nine hours to think
What is it that makes me so frightfully dizzy?
The conclusion I've come to... it's drink.

Although I've been married for three years maybe
I've had the good sense to conceal it
At the time my wife settled her income on me
And has since made no effort to steal it
I will freely admit she's been useful in ways
Which some folks might think were hard labour
I found out last night to my utmost delight
She'd run of with my next-door neighbour.

Refrain: The conclusion I've come to is this
That they met quite by chance in the city
It is easy to see that they talked about me
How handsome I am and how witty
Jones saw that I was wasting my time
With all my wife's money to spend
Why else would he run off with my Henrietta
I conclude that, that man is my friend.

 
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Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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