CONSEQUENCES
 
Tommy Tate went to skate,
Tho he'd been told he shouldn't,
But the ice, looked so nice,
Resist it, Tommy couldn't.
Tommy thought, 'By Jove,
This pond's a spiffer',
Then he fell on his, well...
Where men and monkeys differ.
And what was the consequence?
The consequence was this,
He went down square, no matter where,
The ice was thin, so he fell in,
'Twill soon be 'late' for Tommy Tate,
For he's there yet and must be wet,
But that's of no consequence.

Billy Meek once a week
To his best girl paid a visit,
They would spoon, 'neath the moon,
Not a bad time, is it?
She would be on his knee,
His Sunday trousers flatten,
But her pa put some tar
On the steps Bill sat on.
And what was the consequence?
The consequence was this,
He stuck there tight for half the night,
At break of day he got away,
I don't know how, but he's not there now,
He left a pair of trousers there,
But that's of no consequence.

Sammy Searl took his girl
To have a little boating,
During showers, sat for hours
Upon each other doting.
She felt dull, said "I'll scull;'
But he said steering's better,
She said "No, let me row."
And dammy Sammy let her.
And what was the consequence?
The consequence was this,
She made a dab and caught a crab,
Fell off the seat, up went her feet,
And then, Great Scott! he saw a lot
Of frills and strings and bits and things,
But that's of no consequence.

Nelly Knight, pink and white,
Pretty, plump and pleasing,
Just the sort, feel you ought,
To spend your time in squeezing.
By the sea, one day she
'Twas fickle fortune led her
Found a nook, off she took
Her clothes, then took a header.
And what was the consequence?
The consequence was this—
The tide arose, took all her clothes,
And on the beach, bereft of speech,
Stood Nelly Knight, well no—not quite
Her frame was there, but her figure— hair
Well that's of no consequence.

Jimmie Jed went to bed,
And left the gas escaping,
When he woke, thought he'd choke,
He was asphyxiating.
Up he got, wondered what
Was causing him to smother,
Round he flew, started to
Investigate the bother.
And what was the consequence?
The consequence was this,
Poor Jim alas forgot the gas,
He struck a light - great dynamite!
A crash - a thud! a collar stud,
And bit of thread but where is Jed,
But that's of no consequence.

 
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Written and composed by Roland Carse and Ernest Shand
Performed by Ernest Shand (1868-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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