CONUNDRUMS (1895)
 
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I'm a philosopher - and know a thing or two
Puzzled by a lot of things I can't do
Here's a conundrum I want to throw at you
Why does a chicken want to cross the road?
Though dada is another name for dad
A ladder's no relation to a lad
And a shadow's no relation to a shad
Then why does a chicken cross the road?

Chorus: Don't cher know? Too hard?
Can't guess? Never tried?
Why does a chicken cross the road?
Why, to get to the other side!.


I'm a philosopher - but still I want to know
Where do the pieces of the old moon go?
Was the egg or the chicken the first to make a show?
And who is it wears the biggest boots?
If a soaker is a fellow on the 'drunk'
Then a broker is a fellow on the 'brunk'
And a joker is the fellow on the 'junk'
But who is it wears the biggest boots?

Chorus: Don't cher know? Too hard?
Can't guess? What a treat?
Who's the man who wears the biggest boots?
Why, the man with the biggest feet!


I'm a philosopher - and information seek
Oh, where the Dickens do they keep next week?
Is a ship off its onion when it's springing a leak?
And why does a turkey lay an egg?
If a feller's umbrella is a gamp
And a pain that makes you bellow is a cramp
Then a boozy feller's smeller is a lamp
But why does a turkey lay an egg?

Chorus: Don't cher know? Too hard?
Can't guess? In a fix?
Why does a turkey lay an egg?
Why, because she can't lay bricks.


I'm a philosopher - who always understood
You'd find sweet violets in St John's Wood
They're all fresh gathered, but they ain't much good
Why does a donkey wag its tail?
Now, your wife's mammer is her Mum
And if she should gammon her to come
I bet you'll damn her till your dumb
But why does a donkey wag its tail?

Chorus: Don't cher know? Too hard?
Can't guess? What a joke!
If the donkey's tail was not so frail
That rudder would wag the moke.
 
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Written and composed by Charles Osbourne - 1895
Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
 
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