When Uncle left me all the money in his will he put in one proviso
I must spend some L.S.D. lookin' up my pedigree
And wot he meant was a mystery to me
So I went to a lawyer, who's a very clever bloke
An' I asked him what my Uncle meant?
Then he says, 'Your Uncle Jack wants to trace your family back
I must put a feller on the scent!'
Then you ought to see 'em in the British Museum
A-looking all through lists and lists
In all sorts of corners, of all the dead-an'-goners
And now the lawyer bloke insists,

Chorus: One of my aunt's sisters was the fust Lord Mayor
Of London - on my muvver's side
And I'm christened Bill, after William the Conqueror,
Of course, that's on the uvver side
I may be related to His Majesty the Shah
So the lawyer bloke tells me
But I says, 'Lumme! what a time you are
A digging up my family tree!'

My blessed lawyer, he's a sharp 'un, so he is at tracing pedigreeses
But I really must remark that he might have kept it dark
That my great-aunt she was Joan of Ark
And he says I'm related to the Kysir, funny name
That's the German Emperor, you know
'Cause my grand-pa, George the Fourth, once when he was up the North
Ate a German sausage years ago
He's a reg'lar sly fox, an' he says Mister Guy Faux was starter of our family
I may be a juggins, but my name's Billy Muggins
So I don't see how that can be.


That bally lawyer's getting all my bally 'splosh' my pedigree's expensive
Tho' I may be some big pot, if I had my rights. it's hot
To spend your 'oof' jest to hear a lot of rot
So I jibbed with the lawyer, and I says to him, 'Look here,
Tho' I know that I'm a howling swell
P'r'aps the King of Russia or the Earl of Prussia
May be my uncle or my aunt
But I'm fair disgusted - my bank is nearly busted
My family tree's a perfect plant.

Performed by Alec Hurley (1871-1913)
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