DAILY MIRROR, FRONT PAGE
 
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In the daily Mirror, no matter what your age
If you've done anything that's queer
They'll put you on their title page
Now, I know lots of people that they seem to have missed
For instance, I've a lady friend of thirty-five
And she says she's never been kissed
So I said to her, darling, if that's true
That you're five and thirty quite
And you've never had a bite
Front page, Daily Mirror, for you.

Bertie is a teacher of skating, quite a swell
He teaches girls the outside edge
And lots of other things as well
The girls wear hobble dresses
And fall about like flies
One night I watched him pick a little lady up
Then I looked at Bertie's blue-black eyes
And I said to him, as round the rink he flew
'You teach ladies every night
And you haven't lost your sight
Front page, Daily Mirror, for you.'

There's a pretty lady, in fact a titled pet
She wants to dance Salome
But that classic hop she's learning yet
She said the other evening, 'I've practiced at a hall
I'm getting on so nicely, so the people say
Still, I've not shown my real form at all'
So I said to her, 'You've hit on something new
Classic dancing's very warm
And you didn't show your form
Front page, Daily Mirror, for you.'

Once I met a lady who wore her own front hair
And with her was a cabman who
Had never yet learned how to swear
Quite near them was a lawyer who'd always told the truth
Also a Chorus: girl who'd never met a Lord
Or on postcards shown a new gold tooth
So I said to them, 'Oh you are a rummy crew
All your photographs I'll take, and if the camera doesn't break
Front page, Daily Mirror, for you.'
 
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Written and composed by H. Lonsdale
Performed by Ernest Shand (1868-1924)
 
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