DETECTIVE CAMERA
 
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Don't wink or blink, or even think, but just stay where you are
I'll intrduce myself to you - Detective camera
No matter what you do or say, I've got you on the spot
A house on fire's very warm, you'll find me twice as hot.

(Patter - Hot, I've only got to look at a piece of bread, and it's toasted)

Chorus: Detective Camera, just stay where you are
In a trice I've got you nice. Look out, I spot you
Burglar or thief, sure to come to grief
Don't wink or blink, or even think
But look out, I've got you.

Last week a loving couple were going to elope
When all were fast asleep, the young man tied a piece of rope
To his sweetheart's bedroom window, then whistled to his bride
And with her luggage down the rope she then commenced to slide.

(Patter - A knot in the rope got me this picture)

Chorus: Detective Camera, just stay where you are
In a trice I've got you nice. Look out, I spot you
Burglar or thief, sure to come to grief
Don't wink or blink, or even think
But look out, I've got you.

I saw a sight far from right, 'twould make a parson swear
A fellow in the broad daylight, he kissed a girl so fair
He said he thought it was his wife, said I, 'You'll pay for this,'
When right before my very eyes he kissed her such a kiss,

(Patter - well I never. I have not heard a kiss like that since being vaccinated)

Chorus: Detective Camera, just stay where you are
In a trice I've got you nice. Look out, I spot you
Burglar or thief, sure to come to grief
Don't wink or blink, or even think
But look out, I've got you.

 
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Written and composed by J. Newland & George Le Brunn - 1892
Performed by Dan Leno (1860-1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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