DISTRICTS
 
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Miss Madie lived in Maida Vale,
In summer time, so runs the tale,
So very sunburnt she would get,
The poor young thing was quite upset.
In Maida Vale, in Maida Vale.
She longed to look genteel and pale,
To make attempt she did not fail,
For Maida Vale she ‘made a veil.’

A Mr. Shaftesbury once I knew,
He lived in Shaftesbury Avenue.
The cutest sort of card was he,
As smart a chap as you could see.
He lived in Shaftesbury Avenue,
And if you dealt with him, it’s true
The odds were always twelve to two
On Mister Shaftesbury ‘Aven ue.’

In Hammersmith the Johnsons’ dwell,
Concerning them a tale I’ll tell.
Their neighbour Smith upon my life,
Was seen to kiss old Johnson’s wife.
In Hammersmith, in Hammersmith,
That deed of Smith’s caused quite a tifi',
For Johnson rushed back home forthwith
To Hammersmith to ‘Hammer-Smith.’

The Jones’ lived in Battersea,
And Mrs. Jones, ’tis sad—ah me!
Could only cook the plainest food,
Which made her husband somewhat rude.
In Battersea, in Battersea,
He grumbled every day to see,
Milk puddings she served frequentlee,
That’s why she made a ‘batter see.’

I thought whilst crossing Leicester Square,
And saw a stalwart policeman there,
If here in trouble one should fall,
The bobbies really are too tall.
In Leicester Square, in Leicester Square,
To bribe the police is hopeless there,
A policeman short I’d bribe I swear,
You see there’s so much ‘less-ter square.’

 
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Written and composed by Clifford Grey & A.W. Parry - 1913
Performed by Will Edwards & Clifford Grey
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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