DOLLY'S ADVICE
 
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Certain rules must be obeyed,
You may call a spade a spade,
You may give a sour old maid
A diamond ring,
If you owe a trifling debt
And to pay it you forget,
'Tis no breach of etiquette
But quite the thing.
But you must know when to stop,
Never call your hair a mop,
Aitches you should never drop
And dolls mind this,
Resolution must be strong,
When a male doll comes along,
Tell him that you know it's wrong
For dolls to kiss.

Say a little dolly's sold,
Purchaser just two years old,
Could that doll a tale unfold?
I think it could.
After p'raps a trial week,
Get that little doll to speak,
If it could but vengeance wreak,
I think it would.
See it's bruised and battered frame,
Minus eye and walking lame,
Who would dream it was the same,
That infant bought.
Look at dolly's dress all patched,
To the child who tore and scratched,
Ought not blame to be attached?
I think there ought.

There are dolls that go by steam,
Some when squeezed are made to scream,
Part of one gigantic scheme,
To serve an end!
'Tis in vain to hide one fact,
If a dolly's hand is cracked,
Winding up won't make him act,
Nor smacking mend!
Do not sneer and turn away
If a doll be down today,
Pick him up and kindly say,
This doll's not screwed.
If he's lost a glassy eye,
And you don't feel sorry, try,
He will know no better, why?
He's all unglued.

 
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Written and composed by Albert Chevalier & Alfred H. West - 1896
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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