Matilda's a lady I've known many years
And I called on Matilda one night
I walked in the parlour and sat on a chair
And I had such a terrible fright
I felt something bite me and fell on the floor
And I rolled myself up in a knot
When I found it was only her set of false teeth
Which she'd laid on the chair I said 'what!'

Chorus: 'Don't do it again Matilda, don't do it again!
Your beautiful teeth may be quite tip-top
But they seem to take me for a steak or a chop
Help! help! they're making me yelp
They ought to be kept on a chain
Put 'em back in their place in that hole in your face
And don't do it again.'

Matilda and I went to Brighton one day
And she stood on the shingle with me
The wind was so windy it collared Matilda
And blew her right out in the sea
I saw her come up with a smile on her face
And she stared to yelp like a pup
She came up again to the top of the water
Said I, 'That's your second time up.'

Chorus: 'Don't do it again Matilda, don't do it again!
That's twice you've come up to the top, yer fool
And three's so unlucky for you as a rule
Don't kick, you've got to be quick
And swallow a lot of the main
And then I can get your insurance, old pet
So don't do it agin.'

Matilda she went to a fancy dress ball
And she played an original part
She smothered her chivvy with raspberry jam
And she went as a raspberry tart
I gave her a kiss and I couldn't get loose
Till I struggled like having a fight
I said, 'If you wanted to make an impression
You've jolly well done it tonight.'

Chorus: 'Don't do it again Matilda, don't do it again!
That raspberry jam must be made with glue
A lot of my whiskers are sticking to you
Your face, it looks a disgrace
And I've got a horrible pain
For you've taken the skin from my nose and my chin
So don't do it again.'

I'll never forget on the day I got wed
(And there's only your humble to blame)
Matilda insisted on washing my shirt
As I only had one to my name
She sent it along and when I put it on
I said, 'Tilly old girl, you're'a jay.'
She'd starched it all over from bottom to top
So I wrote her a letter to say,

Chorus: 'Don't do it again Matilda, don't do it again!
The dickey's as rough as a rusty nail
And the back of it's wagging about like a tail
My shirt, oh doesn't it hurt
Do toddle around and explain
It's as stiff as a pin, and I can't tuck it in
So don't do it again.'
PDF Sheet Music
Written and composed by Fred Murray
Recorded 1910 by Harry Champion (1866-1942)
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