DON'T I WISH I HAD 'EM
 
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Oh, listen to my tale of woe - my heart is full of grief you know
The girl I love has slighted me and treats me coldly as can be
I envy her young brother Bill, she nurses him when he is ill
She'll kiss and rock him in his cot, because the measles he has got.

Chorus: Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, just for a week or two
For if I had em, don't you see,
Then she might make a fuss of me
Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, I do, I do, I do.


Her heart is gentle, good, and kind to all but me - but I don't mind
When underneath the ground I'm shoved she'll know how fondly she was loved
There's Mister Bates at number four, she does him favours by the score
She's always sending him her tin because he's got the brokers in.

Chorus: Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, just for a week or two
For if I had em, don't you see,
Then she might give some oof to me
Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, I do, I do, I do.


Her charity is simply great, her heart's just like an angel's, straight
She turns no beggar from her door, you bet she's loved by all the poor
Why, there's old Balaclava Jim, she makes an awful fuss of him
She sends him cream and new-laid eggs because he's got two wooden legs

Chorus: Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, just for a week or two
If half a man and half a tree,
Perhaps she'd fall in love with me
Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, I do, I do, I do.


Her Father can't he tiddley-wink - he's only happy when in drink
He'll booze all day till he gets tight and likes a drop in bed at night
He's got in such a state through booze that bogies haunt him with the blues
And now D.T.'s he's got all right, she'll sit beside him day and night.

Chorus: Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, just for a week or two
Delirium tremens I'd invite,
Then p'r'aps she'd sit with me all night
Oh! don't I wish I had 'em, I do, I do, I do.
 
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Written and composed by N. Atkins and J. Dwyer
 
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