DON'T STICK IT OUT LIKE THAT
 
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Uncle Jonah's got a funny nose
He gets 'chipped' no matter where he goes
Once by the train we were going for a ride
We stood upon the platform side by side
Fast express came hammering along
Uncle just looked out
To see if the train was going to stop
When me and the porter and the railway 'slop'
We all began to shout

Chorus: 'Don't stick it out like that - don't! oh, goodness gracious
Where did you get that 'boko' uncle?
Is it your nose or a big carbuncle?
Hide it in your handkerchief or cover it with your hat
The driver will take it for a danger signal,
Don't stick it out like that.'


My old girl, some little time ago
She got toothache in her little toe
I said to her, 'You must come along o' me'
And took her to the local surgery
Doctor said, 'Please let me see your tongue.'
And when she complied
He simply began to stare at it
I thought he was going to have a fit
But all at once he cried,

Chorus: 'Don't stick it out like that - don't! oh, goodness gracious
Where does it go when you don't use it?
Swallow it quick, or perhaps you'll lose it
Great Scott! What a lot of it, be careful, here comes our cat
He's fond of a little bit of raw rump-steak, mum
Don't stick it out like that.'


Sister Phoebe's gone upon the stage
And I think she's going to be the rage
She's pretty fat, but she doesn't care a fig
'Cos she can sing a song and dance a jig
Last night she played very funny tricks
Acted like a clown
She cocked up her leg and kept it there
Until the proprietor began to swear
And said, 'Here, put that down,

Chorus: 'Don't stick it out like that - don't! oh, goodness gracious
Drop it, old girl, you'll drive me frantic
You are too big to perform that antic
Your leg's such a funny one -I never saw one so fat
The boys in the gallery are shouting, 'Roof it.'
Don't stick it out like that.'


Once while strolling down a country road
Near some rustic labourer's abode
I saw a goose, he was waddling along
And looking very nice and ong-bong-pong
When he saw me he began to blink
Turned and walked away
He seemed to remark, 'Don't I look smart?'
And gave such a wiggle of his hinder part
It made me shout, 'I say,

Chorus: Don't stick it out like that - don't! oh, goodness gracious
When you are cooked you will be juicy
Run away, please, there's a good, kind goosey
My mouth's fairly watering - you'd better mind what you're at
I do like a nibble at the 'parson's nose' so
Don't stick it out like that.'
 
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Words and music by Fred Murray & Fred W. Leigh - 1901
Performed by Fred Earle (1877-1915)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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