FAIRLY KNOCKED THE YANKEES IN CHICAGO
 
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I have always had a notion, I shall cause a great commotion,
If ever I crossed the ocean all the world would talk of me;
As a beau of great position, hearing of this exhibition,
At Chicago, my ambition this great 'World's Fair' to see.
To my tailor, first I went and my cash I freely spent,
Just to show our Yankee cousins, what a well-dressed man should be.
Then my trunk I packed and lifted; to the ship which that night drifted,
To be brief I soon was shifted to Chicago o'er the sea.

Chorus: As I put my foot upon the shore the Yankees all did run,
Like a shot from out a gun, they shouted, 'Kingdom Come!'
The policemen run off their beat, to clear the people from the street,
I fairly knocked the Yankees in Chicago!

On the President I waited, who soon guessed and calculated
I might be well educated but the Yanks could take me down;
But in England as a liar, I was reckoned quite a flier,
When on him I opened fire, he fell fainting on the ground.
I pitched him tales of traffic, of our ladies so seraphic,
And drew a picture graphic of our model parliament;
'Til he gave me such a schooling on their waste of time Home-Ruling,
Which he said was simply fooling, so I took my hat and went.

Chorus:

I proceeded to the fair and after staying some time, there,
Thought I, I'm rather thirsty, so I'll have a gargle, now.
Said the barman, have a coffin and the people started laughing,
But I gave him one for chaffing then he created quite a row.
Some swells commenced to hoot me and were half inclined to boot me,
Next they threatened to they would shoot me but I simply said, 'Pooh-pooh!'
With my stick in hand I faced 'em, on the floor I quickly placed them 'em,
Just remarking as I haste 'em, that's what British pluck can do.

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by James Walsh - 1893
Performed by Vesta Tilley (1864-1952)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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