FUNNY MRS. JONES
(She Comes From Bonnie Scotland)
 
div
 
I'd mixed in good society but
Did not like all I saw,
So resolved that when I took a wife,
I'd have one in the raw;
It happened whilst in Scotland,
In love I chanced to drop,
With a lass who, with her Pa and Ma,
Dwelt on a mountain top.

Chorus: And I made her misses Jones,
And I made her Misses Jones,
She comes from Bonnie Scotland,
And I made her Misses Jones.

I brought my bride to town,
Also her parents, when,
They gave me 'muckle puckle' O!
And lots of 'dinna ken'.
If I tried to understand them,
I was sure to make a botch;
I could 'parlez Francais' well enough,
But I couldn't 'parlez Scotch'...

Chorus: Like my funny Mrs. Jones etc.

The old boy likes his whiskey,
O! and don't he like his stuff?
But somehow never seems to know
When he's had 'quantum suff.'
My wife serves me with Scotch-rapee,
I do nought all day but sneeze,
And she made me wear a kilt,
'Til I caught cold in my poor knees

SPOKEN - Very foolish of her, you know, because as I tell her it don't suit me at all. She likes me in it though, but she's always saying, 'Don't stoop so, Charles, stand upright.' I say, 'I can't my dear, my kilt's too short.' 'Oh! well, my dear, it may be all right but you know I shall have the Lord Chamberlain down on me, that'll be the end of it. You must understand, my dear, that we don't wear this dress in London, except at court and there it stands as full dress.' Undress, I call it. My wife is very fond of some dried sort of fish that she calls 'Bervies' and 'Speldruns'' as far as I'm concerned I's as soon chew wax cloth. She speaks Gaelic too, she's taught me two or three words. 'Kim-ar-ash-an-tew', that means 'How do you do? 'Kim-ar-a-ha-ta-hosh-an-poch', that means,'How's your poor feet?' How's your poor legs would be more appropriate in my case. I know I shall catch cold in my calves, I want to wear trousers but my wife won't let me. She says it's not proper to wear trousers with a kilt, I think it's very improper to be without them. However, I'd sooner wear trousers than have a thundering bad cold...

Chorus: But it pleases Mrs. Jones etc.

Her daddy plays the bagpipe,
Up and down the stairs,
To my annoyance, will show off
His Caledonian airs.
'Bout McGregors and McDougals
Her mammy likes to sing,
Whilst my wife in the back garden
Goes in for highland fling.

SPOKEN - To the intense amusement of the neighbours, who flock to the windows and exclaim...

Chorus: Look at funny Mrs. Jones etc.

I say 'Let Glasgow flourish.'
And the whole of Scotland too;
But my Scotch bride gives me trouble,
Tho' she's bonnie, fair and true;
Such an unsophisticated wife,
No fellow ever saw,
But I don't think it advisable
To have one quite so raw,

Chorus: As my funny Mrs Jones etc.
 
Trivia1

Audiences were made up of all classes and both sexes. When Charles Morton opened his 'Canterbury Theatre', ladies were admitted every evening rather than only on specific 'ladies nights'. Audiences were encouraged to join in with the songs and to shout and heckle the performers as they made racy and risqué comments. Stamping their feet and clapping their hands, they would have made a considerable noise and only the strongest characters would have been able to control them. During this song, Arthur Lloyd laments that he cannot understand the Scottish accent, you can imagine the roars and cheers of the audience.

Trivia3
 
Written and composed by G.W. Hunt
Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840-1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
div
 
 
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ