GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF IT
 
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There was a time, but I won't say when
That I was gone on a girl who had sworn
She would turn up the other men
And stick to me alone
One night she was a little bit late
Up came a lad, said, 'You've been had
A big fat man at the dust-yard gate
Is cuddling your polony.'

Chorus: Well, I meant getting to the bottom of it
If it cost me a pile
Up came a chap, gave me a rap
That felt like a welt from a four-wheeled trap
And I'll go nap, that he could scrap
Said I, pit-a-pat, 'Well, strike me fat
Why the damsel isn't worth while.' well


There was a time, but a long time now
I was a good 'un at a penny black puddun'
So one punce I obtained somehow
And bought one in the street
That black puddun' was far from tame
So with an ax I gave it wax(whacks)
Out of the skin what a mixture came
But not one chunk of meat.

Chorus: Well, I meant getting to the bottom of it
If it gave me bile
Well, I pulled out of that mystery bag
A tenpenny nail and a worn-out fag
An old dudhee, that was half full of shag
A bootlace tag, and a Gladstone bag
Why the darned thing wasn't worth while.


There was a time when I had more sauce
So in a pop I went for a slop
I got enrolled in the police force
And thought I should see life
One day a boy came on my beat
Said, 'Do run, there's a crime being done
A brute of a man in the public street
Is murdering my wife.'

Chorus: Well, I meant getting to the bottom of it
So bunked off with a smile
When I got to the end of the row
I saw a man go for his wife, like so
She hollered, 'Oh' I yelled, 'Whoa.'
It was a Punch and Judy show
Oh, no, it wasn't worth while.


There was a time, it's a long time since
I kept hens in houses and pens
But though I went to a great expense
An egg they would not lay
'Make some hot water,' said a pal
'Pour it down their necks, d'you brown?
And when you've dosed and soaked 'em well
They'll lay eggs every day.

Chorus: Well, I meant getting to the bottom of it
If it cost me a pile
We caught those fowls, and tied their legs
Opened their beaks with old clothes pegs
Bunged hot water down in kegs
Next day they all laid hard -boiled eggs
Why the damned thing wasn't worth while.
 
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Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
 
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