THE GHOST OF BENJAMIN BINNS
 
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Keep your seats, if you please, and don't be afraid
I'm only a ghost, a poor harmless shade
I would not hurt anyone here if I could
And you couldn't do me much harm if you would
Knives will not stab me, and shots through me fly
But oh the experiment, please do not try
It's not for myself that I care, not at all
I'm only afraid you might damage the wall.

Chorus: I'm the ghost of John James Christopher Benjamin Binns
I was cut right down in the midst of my sins
For my home is down below. I'm let out for an hour or so
When the cock begins to crow. Farewell Benjamin Binns.

When I lived on this earth, my wife often said
If I should die first, she'd never get wed
Tonight I called on her, through the keyhole I crept
If ghosts could have tears, I'm sure I'd have wept
A man held my wife in his tender embrace
She called him her hubby, he'd taken my place
To make matters worse, and to crown all my woes
The fellow was wearing my best Sunday clothes.

Chorus:

I'll try to forget my false-hearted wife
And give you a plan of my present life
I get good engagements, with cash in advance
Attending the spiritualist's midnight séance
I rap on the tables and kick up such scenes
I ring clanging bells and I bang tambourines
If Maskelyne says 'Ghosts are bosh' he is wrong
For if he comes near me, he'll smell spirits quite strong.

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed By Harry Dacre
Performed by Harry Randall (1857-1932)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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