HALF A MO'!
 
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I'll bet you've never noticed all the things that you can do,
In half a mo', half a mo'.
So cock your ears and listen and I'll mention one or two,
In half a mo', half a mo.
Tho' you're as sane as Satan, you can go clean off your dot,
And then start backing Gee-gees on a system very hot;
Have five and twenty thousand quid and lose the blessed lot
In half a mo', half a mo'.

Chorus: In half a mo, half a mo'
Your pluck and perseverence you can show.
You can go with other people,
Down a sewer, climb a steeple;
Fall and break your blooming neck, in half a mo'!

Though you're as safe as houses, into danger you can get,
In half a mo', half a mo'.
Go in for speculation and you'll find yourself in debt,
In half a mo', half a mo'.
By doing something startling you can win no end of fame,
For, if you want to raise the wind, although a risky game,
With pen and paper you can forge another fellow's name,
In half a mo', half a mo'.

Chorus: In half a mo', half a mo'.
When captured up for trial you can go;
Kid the beak that you're afflicted,
PLead, 'Not guilty.' be convicted,
And get fourteen years hard 'labe' in half a mo'.

Though you've been such a wicked 'cuss' most pious you can turn,
In half a mo', half a mo'.
As preacher to the heathen blacks no end of praise you earn,
In half a mo', half a mo'.
You reach the savage islands and along you smoothly rub,
Those natives seem quite harmless but when they run short of grub
They sneak behind your blooming back and brain you with a club
In half a mo', half a mo'.

Chorus: In half a mo', half a mo'.
An appetite for mission meat they show,
From this world you're gently 'whizzled'
In a saucepan boiled and frizzled
And you're simply gravy soup in half a mo'.

To take a long journey in a railway train you jump
In half a mo', half a mo'.
Mile after mile by field and stream you travel with a bump
In half a mo', half a mo'.
You reach a station, engine stops and though it seems absurd,
Inside a long refreshment bar, in spite of what you've heard,
You spot a certain sandwich and you're on it like a bird,
In half a mo', half a mo'.

Chorus: In half a mo', half a mo'.
You place it in your 'tater-trap' like so,
Bring your hungry jaws together,
Find the meat as tough as leather,
And you fracture fifteen teeth in half a mo'.

To learn to ride a bicycle you may make up your mind
In half a mo', half a mo'.
A shop where you can hire one up a street you find
In half a mo', half a mo'.
You mount that second-hand machine, commence to show your skill,
Turn round an unknown corner, never thinking of a spill,
But find when it's too late to stop you're flying down a hill
In half a mo', half a mo'.

Chorus: In half a mo', half a mo'.
The brake gives way, it's no use shouting 'Whoa!'
One short prayer, or swear, you utter,
Then you cannon off the gutter,
And you're diving down a drain in half a mo'.

One day you meet a full-sized miss and catch the charmer's eye
In half a mo', half a mo'.
You make a bow and raise your hat, before she passes by,
In half a mo', half a mo'.
You speak to her, suggest a walk, go strolling down the street,
The park is reached as loving words you fervently repeat,
And by her well-developed form you gently take a seat
In half a mo', half a mo'.

Chorus: In half a mo', half a mo'.
You squeeze her massive waist and she screams out, 'Oh!'
Her pneumatic stays, like thunder,
Through the pressure burst asunder,
And the padding all pops out in half a mo'.
 
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Written and composed by Albert E. Ellis & Alan Macey - 1896
Performed by James Fawn (1850-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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