THE HANDYMAN
 
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I've a handy man living at home
He's a Jack-of-all-trades - what a prize
He's the missus's brother - the brute
And he says he can't eat - oh my eyes
The ass fancies he knows a great deal
So he does - about bitter and stout
He suggests that this ought to be there
And the t'other's the wrong way about
He insists upon making the beds
And to crown all - it's true on my life
He wallops the kids if they cry
And sets about me and the wife.

Chorus: Who is it collars my only pipe? The handy man
Who for his supper devours my tripe? The handy man
Breaks all the pots trying to mend the lids
Lives like a nobleman on my quids
Bullies the missus and wallops the kids? The handy man
.

When the chimney pot went a bit wrong
Oh the handy man quickly was there
And he cleverly fell through the roof
Which cost me twenty pounds to repair
Then he brought home a beast of a dog
To keep watch in the yard in the nights
That costs me a fiver a week
Just to square up the people he bites
He tried mending the poor children's boots
But he crippled the twins for a year
And then hanging a picture today
He dropped that through the best chiffonier.

Chorus: Who is it worries me near to death? The handy man
Says that fried onions improve the breath? The handy man
Borrows my coat and my Sunday Hat
Comes home as blind as an ancient bat
Smashes the china and walks on the cat? The handy man.


Then he tuned the piano one day
And he made the worst job of all
For if now 'Ask a policeman' you play
It comes out like the 'Dead March in Saul'
Yesterday he repaired the best clock
Ever since - it's no fiction I state
When the hands point to quarter to one
It's about five and twenty to eight
Then he painted the chairs in the hall
With some stuff very sticky I find
So that when anybody sits down
They leave part of their trousers behind.

Chorus: Who goes and tells people that he is me? The handy man
Invites all his girls to our house to tea? The handy man
Courts fellows wives too without regard
Leaves on their tables my business card
And nearly got me six months hard? The Handyman.


Then the thick-head a Summer-house built
For the flooring he used our best mats
And now it's quite a refuge at night
For an army of destitute cats
Then he tried mowing grass on the lawn
Made a mess of it as you'll suppose
With a scythe he cut off the dog's ear
And a piece off the poor devil's nose
Then he shifted the fruit trees, and said
With the apples I'd be very pleased
In three years it's a fact - that I'll swear
I've had one - and that was diseased.

Chorus: Who spent the water-rate money on gin? The handy man
And thro' it got me the brokers in? The handy man
Who with his hair so well curled and oiled
All the wall-paper has greased and spoiled
Who should I like to see gently boiled? The handy man.
 
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Written and composed by E.W. Rogers
Performed by James Fawn (1850-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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