THE HERO
 
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Since I was a wee little kiddie so high
A regular hero I've been
Like some folks I never seem frightened to die
And some narrow escapes I have seen
Now, one night a terrible fire broke out
And there midst the din and the roar
On top of the building, surrounded by flames
A beautiful woman I saw.

Chorus: Do you see this medal I'm wearing with the rest
So proudly on my breast, truth must be confessed
Did I rush into that burning house
And bring that woman down?
Did I get that medal for saving her life?
No, I got it for half-a-crown.

I remember one night in a terrible gale
On a ship called 'The Fidgety Flea'
The night it was dark and the captain turned pale
When I shouted, 'Men, listen to me
Let the women and children jump into the boats.'
Then the crew they all gave a cheer
When I shouted out, 'I'll face the foam
On the top of a gallon of beer.'

Chorus: Do you see this medal - it shows you what I've done
And the laurels I have won are admired by everyone
Did I save that crew and did I risk
My life to save my 'pards'?
Did I win that medal for being so brave?
No, I won it one night at cards.

I once went to battle, and bravely I fought
As a brave British soldier should do
When Lord Nelson said, 'Bill, our powder's run short
So, of course, we're depending on you.'
Then thousands of Zulus came dashing along
And I pushed to the front and I said
'If you blacks don't go I shall sing you a song.'
And they threw down their spears and they fled.

Chorus: Do you see this medal I'm proud of it, you know
I got it years ago when I bravely faced the foe
Did Nelson say, 'You're a brave young man
And you're courage I admire?'
Did I get this medal for being so brave?
No... for being a liar!

 
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Written and performed by Will Fieldhouse
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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