HE'S MUCH BETTER OFF WHERE HE IS
 
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Malachi McCulloch was a solemn little bloke
Nothing but a hurricane would make him see a joke
Little Jimmy Bag bet a quid of shag he'd make Malachi laugh
Well, he went and waited till McCulloch had a doze
Then with a feather started tickling his nose
Suddenly a grin double-locked his chin
Broke his laughing jigger half in half.

Chorus: He's left his kilt for an old bed-quilt
But he's popped off with a whiz
I don't know where, and I don't much care
But he's better off where he is.


Zedekiah Jiggins was a scavenger by birth
Round his neck he always wore an inch or two of earth
Said that he was told it kept away the cold
Through the wintry months
By and Bye in Summer time, to please his better half
Zeddy paid a tanner and he went and had a bath
Fairly chilled his blood, scraping off the mud
Lost too much of it at once.

Chorus: He left his pants to the fleas and the ants
But he's popped off with a whiz
I don't know where, and I don't much care
But he's better off where he is.


Mr Micky Donovan was gaffer on a barge
And of all the labourers he always had a charge
Anyone could see Mr Micky D
Had bigs things in his nut
They were in a tunnel, when the boat began to roll
Micky up agin the side, he went and stuck a pole
Gave a mighty shout, pushed the vessel out
But he dropped over in the cut.

Chorus: He's left his bags, his new corduroys
But he's popped off with a whiz
I don't know where, and I don't much care
But he's better off where he is.


Wally-pop-er-roona was the King of Rub-a Dub
When a missionary came he hit him with a club
Cracked some funny gags, took away his bags
Then he told him to run
Well, he came across a lot of powders in a pot
Fancied it was sherbet, so he bolted all the lot
Then he said a prayer - for he found they were
Seidlitz powders every one.

Chorus: He's left his jaw to the red-nosed squaw
But he's popped off with a whiz
I don't know where, and I don't much care
But he's better off where he is.
 
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Written and composed by Charles Osborne - 1894
Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
 
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