THE HIGHLY COLORED TIE
 
Colored Tie
 
Don't be alarmed I beg you, though I see with half an eye,
You are visibly affected by the color of this tie,
It mesmerises everyone I hap to come anigh,
Some wondrous things have taken place since I wore it last night.
A blind man gazed on it, just once and then regained his sight,
It seemed to put the fluence on a crowd of lively sparks,
Who followed me about and made a lot of rude remarks.

Chorus: Where did you buy that highly colored tie?
Do tell me chappie where the charming thing was built.
But a kid said, 'Garn away, he didn't buy it, yer jay,
His mother made it for him from a patchwork quilt.'

In passing by a cab-rank I heard a voice say, 'Boss!
You might take off that bloomin' tie it frightens my old hoss.'
But ere I could comply, he brought a member of the force,
Who spotted it, then quickly ran away.
A boozy chap I ran against, thought he'd got 'em once again,
The weather clerk, to ruin it, sent down a shower of rain,
Into the theatre straight, I rushed, thinks I, at last I'm free,
But Irving saw me in the stalls and shouted out to me,

Chorus: Where did you buy that highly colored tie?
Do tell me chappie where the charming thing was built.
But a 'Gods' all gave a shout 'He didn't buy it yer lout,
His mother made it for him from a patchwork quilt.'

Then as the play was going on, some fellow in the rear,
Said, 'I'll lay that's the cove as brought the 'Cholera' over here.'
That caused a big sensation and the people far and near,
Soon made a mighty rush towards the doors.
A big crowd waited just outside and I was nearly lynched,
And for causing the disturbance, 'My Nibs' was quickly pinched.
This morn a generous beak said, 'Forty shillings you must pay,
And before you leave the court, young man, I've a word or two to say.

Chorus: Where did you buy that highly colored tie?
Do tell me chappie where the charming thing was built.
But a policeman in the court said, 'My Lord, it wasn'y bought,
His mother made it for him from a patchwork quilt.'
 
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Written and composed by A.J. Mills and F.W. Venton - 1893
Performed by Arthur Albert (1872 - 1930)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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