HIS OWN MOTHER WOULDN'T KNOW HIM NOW
 
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Jimmy Fanatti was a snob,
He turned up a decent Job,
And went to work at a doctor's shop,
His fortune for to try.
The doctor one day to him said,
"I've got a plan in my fat head
For curing corns and bunions in
The twinkling of an eye."
He thought he'd try experiments,
To see that he was right;
Soon to Jimmy's toe he tied
A lump of dynamite.
Said he, "You just set light to that
As soon as I have cleared;"
Poor Jimmy did as he was. told,
And his bunion disappeared.

Chorus: And his own mother wouldn't know him now, poor lad.
Oh, what an alteration;
And he's given all a warning, that early in the morning,
He'll be looking for another situation.
Timothy Bung the papers read,


Where an advertisement said,
A smart young man he was wanted as
Attendant at a club.
He'd naught to do but mind the door,
Clean spittoons and clean up the floor;
Says Tim, "This job will suit me,
For it's next door to a pub."
One night there was a boxing match.
But through mistake somehow,
One of the boxen stayed away.
And just to save a "row,"
They called on Tim to take his place,
And though he was a dunce,
He sparred up to the fighting man,
Who just landed on him once.

Chorus:

Samuel Simple chanced to drop
In a job at a barber's shop;
He didn't like all the 'lathering,"
So to the boss he said:
"Suppose we drop the lather brush,
And when for shaving there's a rush.
Just use a little oil, and singe
Their whiskers off instead!"
The barber was delighted,
Took an oil can from the shelf.
Said, "Here you are. perhaps you'd better
Have first go yourself."
Sam dipped his whiskers in the oil,
And when be'd rubbed it in,
He lit a taper in the gas.
And he held it to his chin.

Chorus:
 
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Written and Composed by T. W. Connor - 1893
Performed by J.W. Rowley (1847-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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