HIS WHISKERS
 
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We've all strong whiskers in our familee
But my big brother's are a sight to see
You'd swear a monkey he must surely be by his whiskers
My father I've solemnly, heard, declare
When the parlour furniture was past repair
That they stuffed the sofa and each blessed chair, with his whiskers.

Chorus: With his whiskers, with his whiskers
With his handy-dandy terribly sandy whiskers, his whiskers,
He's the champion hairy man.


My brother - it's a fact, and not denied
When father, cane in hand, to find him tried
Would seek the garden and completely hide, in his whiskers
When with his girl, it has often been said
A shower of rain they had no cause to dread
No umbrella they would carry, but instead, used his whiskers.

Chorus:

He, in a restaurant in Regent Street
As waiter got a job, went on a treat
The customers would wipe their hands and feet, on his whiskers
His whiskers would fall out when'er he joked
And hundredweights were in the hare-soup poked
Till one day twenty customers got choked, by his whiskers

Chorus:

He got a sailor's berth before the mast
The ship was wrecked - on the rocks was cast
The crew all got ashore by holding fast, to his whiskers
He married very poor, as you'll suppose
His kids all wanted togs - he cried, 'Here goes'
he made six of 'em bran new suits of clothes with his whiskers.

Chorus:

At Brighton he'd a berth he thought he'd keep
A scavenger was he - the truth is cheap
The roads completely clean he used to sweep, with his whiskers
He bathed, they stole his clothes, he'd not be baulked
His whiskers he drew round him, nicely chalked
And , dressed like Hamlet's ghost, right home he walked in his whiskers.

Chorus:

He died, and from his grave his whiskers grew
Like a forest, spreading for a mile or two
And courting couples 'neath its shade would woo, in his whiskers
Though in his life the folks at him would scoff
His tombstone makes the wond'ring stranger cough
It reads thus - 'Sacred to the memory of - His whiskers.'

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1904
Performed by Ben Albert (1876-1925)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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