HOOLIGAN'S MULE
 
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There's murder in the atmosphere,
There's earthquakes in the air;
Pat Hooligan, last Thursday,
Bought a mule down at the fair.
When he tried to put it in the shafts,
It smashed the cart to bits.
It chewed up all the harness,
And gave all the neighbours fits.

Chorus: Oh, Hooligan, if ever you buy a mule a-gin,
You ought to be shot, you've gone off your dot,
You are a stupid fool.
It's killed a lot of people off,
Kicked the top of the steeple off;
If you want to die quick, just get a kick,
From Patsy Hooligan's mule.

They tried their best to coax the brute,
Inside the stable door,
They coaxed it with a crow-bar,
Till the poor old mule was sore;
Then Hogan said that kindness
To and animal was best;
He commenced to stroke the mule and now,
Hogan's gone to rest.

Chorus:

He chewed up all the tramway lines,
He smashed in all the roofs;
He killed a dozen p'licemen
With his eighty one tonne hoofs.
We held a public meeting
Down at Micky Doolan's school,
To discuus the best and safest way
To kill that murdering mule.

Chorus:

 
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Written, composed and performed by Lester Barrett (d. 1924) - 1897
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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