HOW DARE THEY!
 
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I needn't remark that I'm a swell, and all that
And being a swell, of course I've taken a flat
Now all my neighbours declare I'm stuck up
They pass rude remarks and they call me a pup
How dare they! I say, how dare they?
You can take it from me,
It's a great liberty
How dare they! What's that?
Why, pups live in kennels, not in a flat.

Just because I keep a slavey, oh dear
Who looks after me when the wife isn't near?
Brings up my coffee each morning in bed
My pals wink and, by Jove, the things that they've said
How dare they! I say, how dare they!
Say that I cast a slur
On the girls character
How dare they! What's that?
Why, she was ninety years old when she came to my flat.

I am respected by high and by low
Most of the low are too high, don't you know
Tradesmen keep sending their bills into me
The laundress declares I owe her one and three
How dare she! I say, how dare she!
Say that I've often marched
Off with linen she's starched
How dare she! What's that?
Why, I've not had a shirt washed for years, the old rat.

I always go first class when I go by rail
I don't take a ticket, that's a detail
And when in the carriage I'm having a snooze
The porters wake me, and rude language they use
How dare they! I say, how dare they!
Pull me out by my feet
When I'm under the seat
How dare they! What's that?
Oh, I pass off as dirt on the London and Chat.

I had a blow out today, bye the bye
Two puffs, an air pudding and half a wind pie
But as I left the cafe, to my great surprise
I was followed by thousands and thousands of flies
How dare they? I say, how dare they?
Followed me from the place,
Buzzing all round my face
How dare they! What's that?
They can smell the polony (partly cooked sausage) I hid in my hat.

Last year when I went to France for my health
My neighbours all envied me having such wealth
So for spite they sent false reports round to my clubs
To say I was doing time in Wormwood Scrubs
How dare they? I say, how dare they?
Tell my friends at the clubs
I was in Wormwood Scrubs
How dare they! What's that?
It's a lie. It was Holloway where I was at.
 
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Written and performed by Tom Woottwell (1864-1941)
 
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