HOW I MESMERISE 'EM
 
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To learn the art of mesmerism, many years I've tried, I vow
Now at last I've been rewarded, yes, I know the secret now
I tried it first on my old woman, just to have a bit of fun
And I fairly mesmerised her - this is how the trick was done.

Chorus: First I tickle her under the chin
That seemed to make her smile
Then I gave her a dig in the ribs
(she was laughing all the while)
I waved my hands all over her face
Did a gentle creep
Then I gave a tap on the jaw with this (
shows clenched fist)
And she went right off to sleep.

Now just because we owe our Landlord simply two or three years rent
To our house last Monday morn a six-foot broker's man he sent
Oh, I fairly got the needle, when the chap I gazed upon
And I thought I'd mesmerise him, so I put the 'fluence' on.

Chorus: First I tickle him under the chin
That seemed to make him smile
Then I gave him a dig in the ribs
(he was laughing all the while)
I waved my hands all over his face
Did a gentle creep
Then I gave a tap on the jaw with this
And he went right off to sleep.

There's nothing in our house worth nailing, still a burglar came one night
And when my wife awoke and told me I turned pale with rage - or fright
I was up and dressed in no time, down the stairs and on his track
I just got down in time to see him put our wash-tub on his back

Chorus: First I tickle him under the chin
That seemed to make him smile
Then I gave him a dig in the ribs
(he was laughing all the while)
I waved my hands all over his face
Did a gentle creep
Then I gave a tap on the jaw with this
And he went right off to sleep.

It's very seldom I get tid'led, but oh, I did last Friday night
With my old pal Billy Tomkins at closing time - we were all right
'Monte Carlo' he kept shouting, in a loud discordant tone
Just then standing 'neath a lamp-post, we found a p'liceman on his own.

Spoken - I said, 'Tomkins, did you ever see anybody mesmerise a policeman?' 'No' said he. 'Well' said I, 'You see me paralyze this one!'

Chorus: First I tickle him under the chin
That seemed to make him smile
Then I gave him a dig in the ribs
(he was laughing all the while)
I waved my hands all over his face
Did a gentle creep
Then I gave a tap on the jaw with this
And he went right off to sleep.

 
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Written and composed by H. Castling - 1893
Performed by Charles Gardener (1883-1962)
 
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