HOW?
 
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How to start in life,
Is a question that will puzzle you,
How to treat a wife,
Who declares that she will muzzle you,
How to get a drink, from a barmaid with a wink.
Who before a crowd, says, 'No! you nasty guzzle, you.'
How to keep your perch
When the sea's a rough and tossy one,
How to go to church
When your hat is not a dossy one,
How to say you grieve that your curate's out on leave,
When your fifty shilling suit's a beastly hossy one.

How to make a name,
By performing in a pantomime?
How to do the same,
As a poet when you cannot rhyme?
How to meet a bill with your banking balance nil,
And you know it can't be put off till some other time?
Find out if you can,
How a millionaire amassed his pelf,
How to hit a man,
Head and shoulders bigger than yourself,
How to draw a tree proving by your pedigree,
You're not wholly unconnected with the house of Guelph!

How to make a hit,
In Othello as Brabantio?
How to take a writ,
For your wife and say, 'What can she owe?'
When you see the sum and it nearly strikes you dumb,
How with smiling face to go and let your Blanchie know?
How to speak a tongue,
Which is said to be a deadish one?
What to say when young,
To explain your nose, a reddish one?
How to prove you're not of a true semitic lot,
When your one familiar language is the Yiddish one!

How to catch a train,
When you're just a half an hour late?
How to snap the chain
Which secures to you a sour mate?
How, without some aid, not to look a bit dismayed,
When the water's cut off and we have paid our rate?
How to buy a pearl,
In a packet, say a penny one?
How to kiss a girl,
Who objects to kissing anyone?
How to keep quite cool when you've been a fool,
On the tip you gave and didn't back so many won!

How to skip a tale,
That is if it be a thrilling one?
How to stop the sale,
Of a railway bookstall shilling one?
How to give a spread at say eighteen pence a head.
And impress upon your friends it is a filling one?
How to love a maid,
You have never cared a jot about?
How to make a raid
On a rival when he's not about?
How to write a song that will please the thinking throng,
When there's really such an awful lot of rot about!

 
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Written by Albert Chevalier & Alfred E. West
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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