HYMN NUMBER...!
 
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Now I am a Curate possessed of a whim,
A habit maybe, of announcing a hymn.
I find it most useful, for instance to-day -
I rose to breakfast in the usual way.
I partook of poached eggs, a most succulent dish,
But one of them had not the health I could wish.
So I said to my landlady - 'Oh Mrs. Dunn
I think we'll sing hymn number four-ninety-one.'

At our Harvest Festival we, in our mirth,
Do garnish our church with the fruits of the earth.
Last ye-ar as u-su-al I did assist,
By holding the steps for Miss Agatha Twist.
But they broke - and she fell - to her utmost surprise
As gentlemen should - I averted my eyes,
And I said - as we picked ourselves up from the floor,
Let's unite in singing hymn seventy-four.

One dear old lady member by name Mrs. Wilde,
Last week came to christen her dear little child.
She called the boy Cyril, I noted with pride,
For that is my name on my dear father's side.
But the moment I said 'Name this child' with a smile,
The nurse dropped the infant whack into the aisle.
And the dear mother screamed and said 'What shall we do?'
I said 'We'll sing hymn number four-eighty-two.'

To our ladies' circle I go frequently,
To balance my cup and a cake on my knee;
Last month they'd a party at which fun was rife,
So I invited to give it some life.
They got me in the centre for 'Kiss in the ring'
A game which for Curates is scarcely the thing.
They said 'Now Mr. Middleton, which shall it be?'
I said 'I will sing you the Doxology.'

All dear little children I fancy like me
So I take a class every Sabbath at three.
One day whilst explaining the meaning of 'grace'
I said I would give them an ev'ry day case.
I requested one dear little boy to repeat
The words his papa used before taking meat.
He said Father says 'Dammit the food's always late',
I said 'I think we’ll sing hymn two-sixty-eight.'
 
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Written and composed by Graham Squiers & Fred Cecil - 1917
Performed by Rex Harold
 
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