I CAN'T CHANGE IT
 
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Oh, I know a lot of lazy men and meet them when I may,
They've never got a penny, always stony broke they say;
With me it's just the other way, for I'm a man of "biz,"
I've always got a shilling in my pocket, here it is.

Chorus: But I can't change it, I can't change it!
The reason why I'll let you know, it's one I made myself and so
I can't change it, no matter how I try,
But I hope to cheat a blind man in the sweet bye and bye.


Oh, I never was a proud young man, that anyone can see,
Fashions I don't care about, for clothes don't trouble me.
I'll never be a masher, for I'm satisfied to know,
I've got a shirt upon my back, I can say that although-

Chorus: I can't change it! I can't change it!
It fits me like a bloomin' sack, I've got but one shirt to my back
I can't change it, no matter how I try,
So when it's being washed I lie in bed until it's dry.


I got an invitation to A wedding down our way;
So went into a shop to get a new hat yesterday;
I soon got what I wanted, and the premises did quit;
Now since I've tried it on my nut, I find it doesn't fit!

Chorus: But I can't change it! I can't change it!
For when the shopman turned his back, I sneaked the cadie off the rack
I can't change it, and never mean to try,
Or I might be picking oakum in the sweet bye and bye!


When I came home the other night, the nurse was at the door;
She said, "You've got another one, that makes you just a score,
Such a pretty little girl, I know you'll wish her joy."
I wished it to old Nick, for what I wanted was a boy!

Chorus: But I can't change it, I can't change it.
I asked a lot, who ought to know, I asked the nurse and she said "No!"
She can't change it, and she doesn't intend to try,
But she hopes I'll have a dozen in the sweet bye and bye

I thought that I'd get married, like a lot of foolish men,
I found the girl, bought the ring, got married there and then.
When the job was over, I was taken down a peg-
Her hair, her eyes and teeth were false and she had a wooden leg!

Chorus: But I can't change it! I can't change it!
It was a great surprise to me, half a woman and half a tree;
I can't change her, I wish she'd do a guy.
But I'll put her up for auction in the sweet bye and bye.
 
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Written and compose by T.W. Connor - 1894
Performed by George Beauchamp (1863-1901)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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