I DESERVE A GOOD SLAPPING, I DO
 
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Would you think, to look at me quietly,
I've got Indian blood in my veins?
I may look a jay, but one thing I'll say
I'm a fellow who will hold the reins
There's some things I've done I'm ashamed of
And often I wish to repent
I sometimes think something might happen
When I think of how my life's been spent.

Chorus: I deserve a good slapping, I do
I do, I deserve a good slap
The way I treat my wife is really too thick
Last night I played 'rings' and I read 'Deadwood Dick'
When she said, 'Now Harold , come on
Here's your nighty, I've warmed it for you.'
I said, 'Catch me!' then ran off to bed without Pobs
I deserve a good slapping, I do.


I'm what you might call very daring
In danger I'm quick on the scene
I've gone into where some chaps wouldn't dare
And in some funny places I've been
One morning I read in the paper
Where someone was off'ring a prize
For men who had nice chubby faces
Pearly teeth, and large blue, wicked eyes.

Chorus: I deserve a good slapping, I do
I do, I deserve a good slap
Can you just imagine the judge, do you see
As soon as the white's of his eyes fell on me
He said, 'Hello, mischief, you're there
I can see a strange ending for you.'
Then I looked in the glass, and said 'P'r'aps you're right
I deserve a good slapping, I do.'


My appearance conveys that I'm wicked
I dabble in all kinds of vice
What I'm telling you today, it is true
I've been out on the swinging-boats twice
My downfall in life has been stage-life
I dance when I see the foot-lights
Last week I appeared at the Gaiety
With blue bows on my pink satin tights.

Chorus: I deserve a good slapping, I do
I do, I deserve a good slap
As soon as the band played the splits I began
A cowardly egg it struck me and then ran
The manager shouted, 'Come off!'
As three times me he tried to lasso
And if he can prove half what he called me that night
I deserve a good slapping, I do.


I'm all right until I start drinking
It's then folks give me a bad name
You'll hear my best chum, he'll say, 'Ah, by gum
You're a demon for playing the game.'
Today, in the Zoo, I was sitting
By a cage, where some monkeys appeared
And, now, when I think how I snubbed them
As I turned up my nose and then sneered.

Chorus: I deserve a good slapping, I do
I do, I deserve a good slap
The way that I acted, it wasn't quite fair
For me to turn round on my college chums there
When I think how civil they seemed
And not catching the nuts that they threw
Then, refusing the keeper to go to my cage
I deserve a good slapping, I do.
 
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Performed by Jack Pleasants (1874-1924)
 
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