I Don't Know What I'm To Do

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TO DO

It's sometimes very hard to tell the proper thing to do
You really do not know the way that you should go
And all thro' larking with the girls I'm in a dreadful stew
I'm fairly up a blooming tree and things are looking blue
Now I've been lately trotting out a pair of girls, you see
I talked to them so nice, of wedding bells and rice
To get the happy home for them I got the L.S.D.
But yesterday they caught me out with sweetheart number three
and,

Chorus: I don't know now what in the world to do
They've sent a lawyer's letter round
And each of 'em wants a thousand pound
Outside now their brothers are waiting too
And my old woman has found it out
And I don't know what I'm to do.

I bought a pound of sausages because I'm fond of pork
I got them home with speed, to have a mighty feed
But all at once they growled at me and, turning white as chalk
I threw them out of the window right upon the garden walk
They hopped about upon the grass just like a set of frogs
And then the chickens came, and with them had a game
But when the slavey went to put the line up for the togs
She found the cock had sat on them and hatched a dozen dogs
And,

Chorus: I don't know now what in the world to do
Out in the yard I dare not go
There's six big bulldogs trying to crow
All those dogs my trousers tried to chew
And I've been summoned to pay the tax
And I don't know what I'm to do.

It's very nice to have the gas laid on at home, they say
And so I thought I'd try to get some on the sly
I worked just like a negro in my garden all the day
To see if I could find some gas for which I needn't pay
I dug for nearly half a mile and came across a main
Of most tremendous size, to lift it then I tries
I got the end into the house - it was a fearful strain
When all at once the top flew off and out there pops a train
And

Chorus: I don't know now what in the world to do
The passengers I had to shift
Upon my back - I hadn't a lift
Five long trains have up to now come through
I'd pulled up half the 'Tuppeny Tube'
And I don't know what I'm to do.

Now, I'm sweet on 'animiles', I thought it would be prime
To keep a little lamb, so fond of them I am
I wanted one like Mary had in childhood's happy rhyme
And so I bought it by degrees in one joint at a time
I sewed the lot together and he soon began to jump
'Cause with my batteree, electrified was he
But by mistake I fixed his 'Jimmy' where he wags his stump
So when he wants a rest he has to sit down on his chump
And,

Chorus: I don't know now what in the world to do
It's awfully sad for him, you know
He seems uncertain where to go
And I'm not sure, when our yard he's walking through
Whether he's coming indoors or just going out
And I don't know what I'm to do.

Written and composed by Edgar Bateman & Fred W. Leigh - 1902

Performed by Frank Coyne (1875-1906)